Finding Self in The Midst of A Breakup

It never ceases to amaze me how the Universe loves to teach me lessons through other people. These people come at the oddest times when I never expect their arrival or the role they will eventually play in my life. Love has been one of my biggest teachers yet. I fell in love one day but little did I know my whole perspective on love, relationships, and Self would ultimately change for the better.

So I met this tall brown man one fall afternoon, and we connected immediately. We started to date and gradually began to spend a lot of time together. A connection slowly began to grow, and a friendship arose with no expectations of a serious relationship. We both allowed ourselves to flow with the Universe and open up to one another in an attempt to find a place of comfort and refuge. I consciously went into our partnership making an agreement with myself to remove the fear of love and old thought patterns to connect with him and remain present in the time we shared. I spent all my previous relationships operating out of insecurity and fear, and I wanted to experience this relationship outside of that head space. We fell in love effortlessly, and I found myself growing in my ability to communicate and give love freely, something that had been hard for me before. In the midst of dating, he informed me of his plans for the beginning of 2017. He would be away for work from late December to July, and he was starting to worry about the stability of our relationship. I told him to remain present in the moment in order to enjoy the time we did have together and that whatever was to come would come.

During this period, we struggled with moments of ineffective communication, and it caused a lot of issues in our relationship. In long distance relationships, communication is key to surviving the distance, and we struggled to find common ground. After five months of intermittent periods of difficult communication, needs not being fulfilled, and a lack of compromise I struggled with the decision to end our relationship. I had been feeling like I was fighting to be a priority in his life as if he did not see the full value of my presence. When I tried to discuss with him the way I was feeling and the things I needed from him as my partner, there was a lack of understanding. Being a Libra, I highly value communication and understanding, and it was driving me crazy that we couldn’t get on the same page. He refused to acknowledge all my concerns and the rift between us continued to grow. I contemplated a breakup, but I didn’t want to “give up” on our relationship due to the distance. After numerous venting sessions with my girlfriends, meditation, and a tarot reading, I decided to end our relationship.

An early morning FaceTime call lead to the end of our relationship, and it was not the most amicable of breakups. Instead of trying to acknowledge my concerns he resorted to using low vibrational defense mechanisms to minimize and negate the problems I brought to the discussion. He immediately categorized me in the group of all his past lovers and the pain they caused him. Time passed, and it slowly started to wear on me that we couldn’t at least come to a harmonious separation. This irritation and energy continued to bother me subconsciously until the full moon in Sagittarius when all the feelings came to the surface. I woke up with a heaviness on my spirit, and I decided to do a full moon ritual to release all the negative energy I felt still lingered following the conclusion of our relationship.

Sage was burning, music was playing, and I sat down with a paper and pen and began to release. My Full Moon Rituals consist of a variety of things mainly depending on the themes that I feel are being brought to my awareness. My rituals always include writing in order to release things that no longer serve my highest good. So I started by writing him a letter of all the things I felt and the things I wanted to say to him. The letter began with the sole emphasis on him and the ways that he didn’t love me or didn’t fight for our relationship. I was hurt by his lack of regard for my needs and the fact that when I broke up with him, he chose to disregard the things that he wasn’t doing in our relationship. I felt like he gave up on us, on me. I wrote furiously, and I let myself say all the things I didn’t get to say to him or even the things I didn’t want to say out loud. I cried and wrote. I got angry and still wrote. In the midst of this therapeutic session, I began to remember the Mirror Effect. He was a mirror for me showing me the things that I needed to acknowledge in my subconscious. At that moment, I realized that it was no longer about what he did or did not do for me or in our partnership but more of what I was doing and not doing for myself.

Suddenly my writing changed. I was no longer writing a letter of blame, pain, and anger but I began to write a letter to Self. The letter went from, “Why did you stop fighting for our relationship?” to “Am I fighting for my relationship to Self?” My anger changed to introspection, and I went from “Did you ever really love me?” to “Am I really loving Self?” I immediately realized that this breakup was never about my needs not being met by him but the lack of fulfillment I felt with Self. Before writing the letter, I thought that I learned all the lessons I needed to learn from him, but the Universe had to snatch the veil from my eyes to show me how I was missing the bigger picture. In the fog of burning sage, tears, anger, and a 6-page letter I found peace.

This intimate moment reminded me that healing comes in waves and sometimes it can be unpredictable. I thought that I had learned all my lessons and I was finally over the whole relationship until Spirit came and triggered me into full awareness. I saw the real lesson behind the pain, and I started to shed all my old habits and thought patterns. Instead of using the breakup as an excuse to fall back into negative or self-destructive actions, I performed alchemy on the negativity I felt in my life. Once I wrapped up the letter, I began to write declarative statements releasing any negative energy from my being and severing any energetic chords that I felt still left me tied to those thoughts, emotions, and that relationship. I ended it with a clause and burned the paper. I meditated on what I had just done, and I used visualization to imagine the negativity releasing itself into the atmosphere and returning to me as positive energy. I took my energy back.

Healing from a breakup can sometimes feel painful, filled with resentment, and based on anger with no end in sight but it is your individual experience. At times healing can look like crying to Drake at a red light confused at your sadness. Healing can include spending time with your friends just to feel their love or sitting in your room by yourself trying to gather your thoughts. No matter what it looks like, feels like, or smells like for you make sure you are doing the work that needs to be done to learn the lesson that is waiting to be birthed for your highest good. Introspection is key to growth and healing, especially after a break-up. Don't run from it!

Here are a few tips to start your journey to healing following a breakup. Keep in mind that some things may not be your form of healing and that's okay. Whatever resonates with you when you read it, is meant for you.

Feel Your Way Through It

Going through a breakup is never easy, and it can be simple to shut down and not give yourself the space to feel. There is a lesson in every emotion you experience during a breakup, and it's important to allow yourself to feel all of it. Feel all the ugliness, sadness, anger, and pain that occurs following a breakup in order to find the other side. Feel these emotions without judgment and refuse to self-destruct as a result. When you make a conscious decision to truly experience and alchemize the negative emotions you are feeling, you allow yourself to heal, love and accept yourself with no apology.

Observe your Emotions

One of my favorite books, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, discusses the importance of being the observer of your emotions in order to understand the root of what you’re feeling and allowing yourself to be present with the way you feel. When you observe your feelings and let yourself be conscious of feeling it, you will watch it change. We have this false belief that we have to do something in order to modify the way were feeling but all we have to do is observe the feelings. Our emotions are our navigation system, and we have to allow them to help us transform and learn. You can start by turning your focus towards the sensations in your being right here and now. What are you feeling? Be with the feeling. What does the feeling look like or feel like? Don’t try to change it just observe it. Breathe into the feeling and allow it to transform on its own. Once it starts to transform your next step is to follow each sensation as it shifts until you arrive at a feeling that feels good. Surrendering to your emotions and using visualization to understand them can be key to letting go of the heavy emotions you feel.

Find an Outlet

It is important to release the frustrations and feelings you are experiencing in the midst of the break-up in order to continue this process of healing. Journaling, exercise, dancing, music, etc. can all be used as an outlet to help you channel all the things that are whirling around in your mind. In my journey, I have used journaling to help me when I’m happy or even sad. Find an outlet that supports your growth, gives you a safe space to move into your emotions, and allows you an opportunity to be present in the moment. Write or draw how you’re feeling and allow yourself time for introspection. Introspection is key to growth and understanding what lesson you need to learn for further happiness.

Examine the Role You Play

Many times after a breakup, it can be easy to acknowledge the other person faults without ever taking responsibility for the role you played in the relationship. When you make a choice to stop placing blame on the other person, you allow yourself a safe space to look inwards for regeneration. In these moments you begin to release a need for an external apology and open your heart and mind for internal transmutation and healing. Start by asking yourself a few questions: Why is this breakup happening FOR me? What makes this breakup different than the last? In what ways did I display effective communication and acts of love for Self? What areas can I improve on to better communicate for future relationships? Taking time to examine your role in the relationship and the breakup is essential for moving from a place of bitterness and resentment to peace and understanding.

Love On Yourself

By allowing yourself to heal and looking for healthy ways to work through the emotions that you are experiencing, you are already practicing a level of self-love and care. You are giving yourself space and opportunity to heal and learn from the lessons that love is bringing to your current existence and that in itself is love. Spend time with yourself or with people that wholeheartedly love you. Spend some time in nature, allowing yourself time to be present. Express gratitude for the present moment and the experiences that you have had so far in your past relationships. Take yourself on a date or declutter your living space. Do whatever you need to do to remind yourself that you are worthy of unconditional love and that it all starts with gratitude and self-love.

Affirmation: I accept that my healing is variable and I am open to the lessons in every emotion I am experiencing.

Journal Topic: What could your relationship or interaction with other people be highlighting in your relationship with Self?

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